The Long Walk Back....

Written Sunday, October 7th, 2007

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and the direction it is headed. Is this what I actually want for my life? I had a change in my life that I can’t talk about to my family, brothers or even my best friend. The reason is that I don’t think they will even understand. The trip I took to England was undeserved but very much needed. There are only nine people in this world that can actually understand what I am going through, this is because they were there. Every one else I feel is just nodding along to be good “friends” or “Christians”. I find little satisfaction in where my life is headed, the mistakes I have made in the past are beginning to catch up with me and I am too weak to resist them alone.

I do have three friends that have been next to me from the beginning of my path with Christ, my true walk. Two of those are my brothers and even though they may be critical at times, they are my best friends and I wouldn’t be around today without them. They have turned from brother, to friend, to confidant. Then there is my friend Luke. He ahs many reasons to turn his back on me or say certain things that, although will be justified, are hurtful. With all this in mind, he stays as my friend, and I truly owe my life to him, I don’t think he actually understands the impact he has made on my lie with his guidance, words, and example. Its true I have other “friends” that I find myself hanging out with, but in the back of my mind, I feel how many will stay my friends after they meet my true self and they know my little secrets that I keep hidden. At this point in my life I am actually afraid to go to church. Each Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday in the morning I am looking forward to going to church. However, I always seem to find some excuse to miss it. I want, no I need to go to find my faith and to hear God calling me back to him. I am lost and need that light to guide me on my path. Honestly, I fear it is too late, and that I have screwed up too much to be able to find my way back.

England changed my life. I don’t expect most of you to understand this statement but I know nine of you that stood next to me in my hardest time do understand it. This I thank you, for although not knowing me, for caring for me and believing I me above all else. A young man in England asked me, “What has God done in your life to make you believe in him and why hasn’t he done that for me”. My heart was broken for this young man and after praying with him I just hoped that I said the right things.

Basically, I am lost and trying to find my way back. All that I ask is prayer, nothing big but just something, because I am too weak to do this on my own. I need God and the problem is that I no longer know where to look. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I hope this future is true and that He does have a plan for me, this is a time in my life that I am afraid of where I might end up…